Daily Dose of Sarcasm

Ok, so a friend at work sent me a link detailing 40 benefits to eating/drinking wheatgrass juice. I couldn't resist. I had to reply with a few snide remarks to a number of these reasons listed:

2 Chlorophyll is the first product of light and, therefore, contains more light energy than any other element.
Light energy? Is this one of those nutrients required by the FDA?

4 Chlorophyll is the basis of all plant life.
Too bad I’m not a plant.

5 Wheatgrass is high in oxygen like all green plants that contain chlorophyll. The brain and all body tissues function at an optimal level in a highly-oxygenated environment.
I guess this is important for those of us who would rather not breathe.

7 Dr. Bernard Jensen says that it only takes minutes to digest wheatgrass juice and uses up very little body energy.
Yeah? Alcohol takes only a few seconds to get into your system. Maybe a wheatgrass & vodka would speed up the absorption of both!

11 Chlorophyll can be extracted from many plants, but wheatgrass is superior because it has been found to have over 100 elements needed by man. If grown in organic soil, it absorbs 92 of the known 102 minerals from the soil.
Wait… isn’t chlorophyll in ALL plants (see #4)

12 Wheatgrass has what is called the grass-juice factor, which has been shown to keep herbivorous animals alive indefinitely.
I’m sorry… what?! Indefinitely? The paper that this factoid was derived from was written in 1941… where are these animals now?

13 Dr. Ann Wigmore has been helping people get well from chronic disorders for 30 years using wheatgrass.

Oh… well if SHE’s been doing it for over 30 years without being sued for fraud, then it must really work! What if I said my grandmother has been using mayonnaise to as a skin moisturizer for 50 years! Does that make it a good idea?

16 Liquid chlorophyll washes drug deposits from the body.

Someone should inform Tom Sizemore. (same response to #17 and #18)

21 Wheatgrass Juice cures acne and even removes scars after it has been ingested for seven to eight months. The diet must be improved at the same time.
How about just improving your diet?

22 Wheatgrass juice acts as a detergent in the body and is used as a body deodorant.
Yeah, but my armpits have been irreversibly stained green.

25 Gargle Wheatgrass Juice for a sore throat.
But… I don’t want a sore throat.

33 Wheatgrass implants (enemas) are great for healing and detoxifying the colon walls. The implants also heal and cleanse the internal organs. After an enema, wait 20 minutes, then implant 4 ounces of wheatgrass juice. Retain for 20 minutes.
Oh boy… I’m not even going to touch this one. I’ll just take their word for it…

35 Dr. Birscher, a research scientist, called chlorophyll "concentrated sun power."…
I’m sorry, but doesn’t the sun cause skin cancer? Isn’t it a huge ball of gas perpetually undergoing atomic destruction and emitting harmful radiation? Do I really want to concentrate this stuff and then drink it?

37 Wheatgrass juice can dissolve the scars that are formed in the lungs from breathing acid gasses. The effect of carbon monoxide is minimized since chlorophyll increases hemoglobin production.
Ok. So next time I huff off of my car battery, I’ll be sure to have a bottle of this around. As for the carbon monoxide business, what good does it do me to have more hemoglobin if all the red-cells are being deprived of oxygen?